Yu‐Gi‐Oh! 5D's: REDUX
by ThatPhantomGuy
Summary: Enter the parody that is Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's! Yusei Fudo's the not-so new kid on the block, and everyone wants a piece of him! By dueling! I think...
1. Enter DA REDUX

**Salutations! Phantom here, presenting my new fan fic: Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's: REDUX! Which, in case you hadn't already noticed, is a parody fan fic about Yusei's and his friend's adventures throughout the story that is Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's. So grab your cards and prepare for one awesome ride!... Usually some other anime character would also be commenting here-**

**Applejack: Hi y'all! This here's a funny story about a guy who has the worst friends! I mean, stealing his prized possesions? Being turned into his worst enemies? And basically trying to kill him too? This guy SUCKS at choosing friends!**

**What the hay are YOU doing here Applejack? Besides, Yusei's friend choosing skills are not the main focus of this fic...**

**Applejack: Just shut up and read the story partner!**

***Sniffle* **

_**I own this fan fic. I don't own "Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's", "Yu-Gi-Oh!", "Yu-Gi-Oh! GX", and/or "Yu-Gi-Oh! ZeXal". But I sure wish I did. 'KAYTHANXS.**_

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><p><em>Meanwhile<em>, in New Domino City that's in... Japan.

Ha! You thought I was gonna pull a _'Japanese-America'_ joke there, huh? No, me either.

In the large duel stadium near the heart of the city where everyone is absolutely crazy about card games, the crowd was in an uproar for the extremely popular dueling sensation that was about to commence. Useless banter and some random fireworks exploded in the sky, which incinerated a flock of unlucky birds, followed by those four jets that nobody knows where they come from or why they always appear at major sporting events. And yes, in the future, card games are considered a major sport, like mathletes.

_'Heh heh heh... Enjoy it while you can, stupid people of New Domino City!'_ one of the pilots snickered to himself.

Inside the massive stadium the most famous duel commentator in all of Japan, MC DJ, was rearin' up and ready to start the dueling sensation that would last several hours! If they were lucky...

_"Yo, yo, yo! It's yo' favorite gangsta style MC! How about we start this flippin' card game, a'ight? Let's go straight to the match you nerds have been wasting half yo' non-important lives for!"_ MC DJ announced through a ball-like TV screen in the middle of the stadium that showed his face, swishing his giant pompadour with excitement.

Around one of the track entrances, smoke, explosions, and a bunch of other overly dramatic effects were used to reveal a spiky blonde-haired man clad in white riding a single-wheel motorbike that resembled a giant donut. A giant, white, donut.

_"Ish DA KING! Pay yo' respects to the BROtha!"_ MC then broke into some weird hand gestures, swishing his large pompadour furiously.

Spotlights bathed the sparkingly white driver in bright lights, followed by the screams of adoring fans as he rode out into the open track and ran over a couple of cones. Plus a few maintenance people.

"I AM... DA KING!" DA KING said punching a pesky fly that was annoying him in a cool-like manner, which actually looked like he was pumping his fist in the air. _'Take that you blasted fly. Only DA KING could kill a fly while riding a giant donut...'_

The crowd cheered wildly for the Duel King of Ja...pan. Heh, did it again. Still not funny I know... Dozens of fan girls were screaming, and maybe even you, Atlas-freaks out there who take their weird obsession with an anime character a bit too far by writing yaoi-crossover fics with Brock from Pokemon... Suddenly one of you yaoi-crossover fic writers walk up and punch me... WHAT THE HECK YOU DARN N00BIES?

_"DA KING, Jack Atlas, is trying to keep his one day undefeated streak against the bonafide country man with a country plan; Huntin' Hills (endorsed by Weather Report-Stand)! Does Hills have a chance to defeat the undefeated DA KING of Card Games? Like me and everybody else here, we say no. But lets watch DA KING completely destroy the foo' anyway!"_

"How about we kick things into MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE? I AM DA KING!" Jack clenched his fist with a smirk.

_"Uh, well we can't really start yet yo... Huntin' Hills is currently flying in from Duel Ac-."_

"... THEN WHO WOULD LIKE TO SEE ME RIDE MY DONUT POINTLESSLY AROUND THE TRACK? I AM... DA KING!" Jack asked the giant crowd, and they respond in cheers and 'yay's. "YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAH!"

And so, he rode the donut around the track for no reason, much to the delight of the fans.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, two point five to two minutes later at New Domino City's super-duper stadium...<p>

_"It looks like Huntin' Hills has conveniently showed up with no special effect announcin' his arrival! So, um, duel yo?"_

"Jack!" Huntin' jabbed a finger at him. "I've got a bone ta pick-"

_"Yo Hills, I'm happy for ya, and I'mma let you finish, but DA KING is the best duelist EVAH!"_ MC DJ interrupted Hills.

Huntin' looked at MC DJ's projection morbidly. Then both Jack and Hills then stopped at the starting line so they can start their ridiculously overcomplicated TURBO DUEL. Jack inserted a coin into his Duel Runner then pushed a button that had a smiley face on it, making an awesome song start to play, followed by a juice box of _'Yugi-Flavored Super Special Awesome Juice with no real fruits, so don't ask what we used for flavor'_ popping out the side of his D(onut)-Wheel.

"I love this song." Jack smiled proudly.

He drank the juice box then attempted to throw it at a conveniently placed recycling bin, but missed it by miles. Jack then inserted another coin and pushed a different button which made a card showed up on his giant donut wheel's video screen in front of him.

_"Remember kiddies: ~If you want to be a DA KING one day, recycle, just like Jack Atlas and you'll have plenty'o card games... to play~!"_ a stupid ad blared over the intercom.

"Hilly-Billy Guy prepare to go down! You'll never be DA KING because I am he, so you'll never beat me. 'Cause I am the one... the only... DA KING!" Jack roared like some TV wrestler.

"Uh. Wut?" Hills asked.

Huntin' then proceeded to enter a coin into his horse-shaped D-Wheel and pushed the button that said _'TERBOO DU3L'_. Mr. Slick Himan, a well dressed man in a bright green suit with dark swoopy black hair, small glasses, and a ridiculously long mustache that looked like three black noodles were slapped under his nose and chin, snickered in the audience. _HefaintlyresembledMCDJ..._

"Oh ho ho ho!" Mr. Slick laughed in his pompous voice. "I bet he can not beat a level two duel puzzle on my exam for ten year old students that do not go to REAL school but instead attend Duel Academia, a school for card games!"

"Shut up! Your demeanor offensive to teacher-folk everywhere!" a random person plagiarized.

"Consarn it! Why won't mah duel horse EVAH work right?" Huntin' Hills yelled as his motorcycle sputtered and blew smoke then finally started. 'I'll git yew later teacher-man...'

Huntin' Hills turned his attention back to Jack, and fixed his black-as-night sun glasses.

"Anyway... ahem... Haw haw haw! Try to act all cool if ya want 'Mr. Da King', it won't help yew..." the screen zoomed in on Huntin' Hills' face as he sneared. "I reckon'."

Jack glared back at Huntin' with the same intensity...

"Orly?" he asked with a stupid grin.

_"Turbo Duel engage, switching to auto pilot."_ both Donut and Horse Runners spoke in their inappropriately hi-pitched voiced electronic tone.

"STOP TURBO DUELING NOW! YOU GUYS ARE SCREWIN' UP THE EARTH!" some random group of environmentalist yelled out from the stands.

"WELL SCREW THE EARTH, WUT HAS IT DON' FOR ME?" Huntin' Hills accused them.

"Uh... Polar Bears are dying off?"

"Well I ain't seen no dinosaurs, ya don't see me complaining!"

The area around the two racers turned a light purple including most of the stadium. MC DJ went to explain what was happening to the audience even though most of all of them have seen Turbo Duels before, so it was pretty pointless to explain, but nevertheless...

_"For you n00bZ who don' know what's going on, please do not panic, you are not on drugs, I hope."_

"I'm NOT?" a guy gasped.

_"This is what happens when the duelist activate **Speed World**! The only spell cards the duelist can use are **Speed Spell** cards, and if they use normal spell cards that don't say **'Speed'** while **Speed World** is activated, their Duel Runnah will explode! Did I mention **Speed Spells**?"_

"My word! What a FACETIOUS rule!" Dexter, a smart school kid with the cliche smart school kid look, yelled.

He was soon attacked by the fans. Afterwards the crowd looked at their handy-dandy data pads which EVERYONE conveniently had with them, the pad showed the two different cards.

"Uhuh huh huh. Purtty colors. Uhuh huh huh." one of the spectators said poking the pad in a stupid manner.

The pad in turn poked him back with a robotic arm, making him feel sorry... and scared.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaalrighty then! Time to start this shindig Master D-Dawg! Ready?" MC DJ jumped onto his desk with another gangster pose.

A holographic stoplight with seven different lights appeared in front of the two racers in an overly dramatic and complicated way.

_"Three... ...twooneGO!"_

[Jack 'DA KING' Atlas Life Points: 4000]  
>[Huntin' Hills Life Points: 4000]<p>

Jack shot off quickly as the hologram disappeared, leaving Huntin' Hills in a dust of failure, his D-Horse eventually began to sputter along. Thousands of cheerleaders in blue bikinis were dancing on one side of the track chanting Jack Atlas's name.

"YAAAAAAAAAY! GO JACKY-SAMA!" they cheered, although a VERY deep voice could be heard in their mist.

"I reckon' yew aren't playin' fair!" Huntin' yelled as he began to catch up to Jack Atlas.

"Why is that?" Jack asked.

"Because I reckon I don't gots any o' dem cheerleaders in inappropriate clothin'! That JUST ain't fair, I reckon!"

"You have to be awesome to beat me Mr. Hilly-Billy Guy. And as far as anyone is concerned, only I am awesome, so only I can defeat me!" Jack said flying down the track, totally ignoring what Huntin' said.

"Uh... well... what... eh, I'm gonna whup you anyways... I reckon?"

The crowd fell silent and a distant "... you suck..." cried out. Huntin' Hills started his turn and drew his card from his D-Horse's mane.

"I summon-"

"Go **Red Dragon Archie** [ATK: 3000]!" Jack cut him off, slapping his most powerful card onto his donut wheel's duel disk.

His signature giant, devilish, red and black dragon with horns roared fiercely as it appeared next to DA KING's donut, and Jack spun his giant donut wheel around to face Huntin''s. Because he could do that.

"Yew can't do that! That there's against the rules! And how tha HECK're you ridin' that thing backwards, I reckon?"

"Because I watch Speed Racer! Now, Archie! Destroy him in one attack even-though-your-attack-power-isn't-enough-to-take-out-all-his-life-points... but do it anyway!"

"I reckon' Speed Racer nevah did turn his automobile around like that-"

The menacing black and red dragon flew in front of Huntin''s D-Horse with a low yet chilling growl.

_**"Ma name's nawt ARCHIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"** _Archie roared as he shot a huge fireball from his mouth.

"Aw shewt." Huntin' Hills muttered as the huge holographic fireball engulfed the D-Horse instantly.

When the smoke cleared a charred and blackened Hills coughed, and he was covered in injuries and 3rd degree burns. Because holograms are just THAT advanced in the somewhat distant future! Just wait until the future's future in ZeXal! But that's another story...

[Jack LP: 4000]  
>[Huntin' LP: 0]<p>

Jack pointed towards the sky in triumph, followed by his usual fanfare.

"Who rules the duels? Who is the master of faster? Who is beast at riding a giant donut and playing a card game on it? Who can do turn his Donut Wheel around... and, uh... blast, nothing rhymes with 'on it'!"

" ... consarn it..." Huntin' wheezed out as he was put on a stretcher and dragged away by a huge female nurse with a disturbing amount of facial hair.

"Ah, thanks."

"Oh, so THAT'S Jack Atlas," a mysterious man inquired, "the guy who I'm supposed to catch for our secretly evil plan! How silly of me not to..."

But Jack was standing right next to the mysterious man.

"Oh. Eh... erm... I was talking about... a thing. You can go now."

"Okay." Jack leaped back onto his donut and rode away.

"What a motorcycle moron."

The crowd cheered Jack as he keep racing around the track yelling about his royal dueling bloodline. Rowdy Sector Security officers fired off rounds into the air irresponsible like, and a few hit the pilot's jet from earlier causing it to crash into the ocean next to the stadium.

"OH NO! MY PLANS ARE RUINED!" the pilot said before sinking into the ocean's depths. "I'LL SEE YOU ALL IN... ATLANTIS!"

"DANG you city folk an' yer' FLYIN' DONUTS!" Huntin' cursed with all his strength and then fell back onto the stretcher.

_Enter DA REDUX - END_

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><p><strong>I know this was short, but the rest of the chapters will be longer. I plan on posting new chapters every month or maybe twice a month. I-<strong>

**Applejack: We hope you enjoyed this episode!**

**That's my line. Also, you are not going to stick around the whole series are you?**

**Applejack: Maybe. Besides, I'll be the fun one who draws people to read this fic.**

**What's that supposed to mean?**

**Applejack: It means that you're sort of'a stick in the mud. You talk funny and kinda serrious for a comedy writer. Y'need a hard-workin', fun-lovin' pony to reel in readers!**

***Sniffle***


	2. The Shemale That is Jesstin

**Hope you guys are ready for Episode 2 and the introduction of our main character! **

**Applejack: They're not.**

**Will you stop contradicting me every moment you get?**

**Applejack: *Awesome face* Nope. **

**... Stop with the awesome face. The readers can't even see that.**

**Applejack: Hope ya'll enjoy episode 2!**

***SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH***

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><p>Meanwhile, at Dump City (AKA Satellite)...<p>

Smoke and terrible gasses covered the city streets, which were covered themselves by poor people and poor people trash. They were all incredibly poor, so they didn't have any money which made them depressed. But that didn't stop all of them!

"I wonder why they would call a-trash-heap-of-a-city like this 'Satellite'..." a random poor person wondered out loud. "WAOH!" cried the poor man, slipping into a massive crack in the sidewalk!  
>"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR QUESTIONING THE WRITERS!"<p>

He fell into the subway system and groaned with agony. But he didn't for long, because a guy with traditional Yu-Gi-Oh! spiky hair, a cool jacket and the eyes of a hawk (that plays card games) rode over him on his red-as-death Duel Runner/D-Wheel/motorcycle! Which means he's the main character.

_'Alright. Monologue time. I'm Yusei Fudo, and I want to become Hokage and find the legendary Pokemon- Oh wait, wrong anime...'_ Yusei Fudo thought as he glared down at the passage, his speedometer was going crazy due to his unsafe speeds. _'My name is-' _

**YU-GI-OH! 5D'S REDUX - EPISODE 2  
><strong>**THE SHEMALE THAT IS JESSTIN**

Meanwhile, somewhere elsewhere that wasn't very far away...

"Grr. How am I supposed to stop THEM for our secret plan?" a mysterious man asked nobody in particular while munching on a banana. "Oh well." he tossed the banana peel on the subway ground and walked away.

Meanwhile, you should probably know where Yusei is located, so I'm not gonna waste my time telling you where he is...

He's in the subway tunnel okay!

As Yusei drove his sleek'n stylin' Duel Runner down the Secret Subway Tunnel, he slipped on the conveniently placed banana peel, making his motorcycle slip upside down due to the Anime lol's of Gravity, and sending him into a spiral of death down the dreary, dark tunnel!

"Curse you, yellow fruit of dooooooooooooom! And that's 'doom', not 'Dom' the guy from Gears of War." he yelled as he somehow skid his upside down D-Wheel to a stop.

Yusei hopped off of his upside down vehicle, which was incredibly easy for him. He looked at the part of his Duel Runner that smoke was coming from, and saw that there was a tag under it, so he took it off and read it out loud.

"_'If unexpectedly explodes because you slipped on a conveniently placed banana peel, no returns or refunds.'_" Yusei then read the company name then glazed at the sky through a gigantic crack in the subway ceiling with extreme coolness. "Curse you Bob's Motor Shop."

Yusei crushed the life out of the scrap of paper then started pushing his D-Wheel down the tunnel which emitted a very obnoxious scraping noise.

_"Hey dawg, I heard you like GPS's, so I put your GPS in a GPS so you can get direction while you get directions." _his GPS said in a burly voice. _"So just keep heading South for ten friggin' feet dawg."_

* * *

><p><em>LATER THAT EVENING~<em>

Ha! Got tired of the 'Meanwhile' didn'tcha? No, me neither...

Yusei was gasping for air from pushing his heavy, upside-down motorcycle which made an unbearable screeching sound as he reached his Secret Subway Clubhouse, which was a rickety tan tent at one of the abandoned subway stops. Officially, it is Yusei's Bum-Chum Crew's Super Secret Subway Clubhouse or YBCCSSC for short. A few people were huddled around a small TV inside the tent...

"That... Wasn't... Ten feet..." Yusei wheezed.

_"You have now reached Yusei's friggin' Bum-Chum Crew's Secret Subway Clubhouse or ye-biccccisc for short, thank you for using Bob's friggin' GPS system dawg."_

"Hey, hey, hey! I'm the generic character that's REALLY fat!" Tuff McBuffins exclaimed to nobody in particular in his goofy deep voice, scruffy brown hair, INCREDIBLE chin, ruff-n-tuff-lookin' brown coat and overall chubbiness!

"I have a fetish!" Jamey Simmons said to nobody in particular, fixing his white knee-socks then glasses, then whispered to nobody in particular. _"A mafia fetish..."_

"I really don't have a generic reference, so I'll just get angry over the fact that I have to wear bandana's. BANDANA RAEG!" Ratchet Nickels roared to nobody in particular adjusting his hated bandana.

"Quit trying to develop your characters guys, you're so minor that you just exist just to help me develop MY character."

The three men stared at the TV in front of them totally ignoring Yusei and his large upside down Duel Runner. After a few seconds the hideout became an awkward silent...

"Jack's a great duelist."

"..."

"I called you an obscene amount of times to help me with my Duel Runner and you guys never answered." Yusei said as he pushed his D-Wheel up the ramp near their Hobo Tent.

"Well, our cell phone's broken 'cause SOMEONE sat on it!" they all said and held up a smashed cell phone.

"Don't you have another..." Then they each held up cardboard cell phones with the numbers poorly scribbled on with crayons.

"Oh yeah, we don't have any money... but that's still no excuse!"

_"Is it true that you stole that D-Wheel and a card from some bum in the Satellite?"_ MC DJ over excitedly asked Jack Atlas on the TV, with MC's incredibly massive pompadour covering most of the screen.

_"Yes. And for no reason at all; I can take on anyone, any day, anytime and still be victorious! Except for you, Yusei Fudo of Satellite, you smell. I AM DA KING!"_ Jack pointed specifically at Yusei even though it's being broadcasted live through television.

_'How did he know I was here?' _Yusei gulped.

_"BECAUSE DA KING KNOWS EVERYTHING." _

Ratchet Nickels laughed as he turned off the television.

"Oh, that funny Jack."

Jesstin Beaver, the token boy-who-dresses-like-a-girl-and-looks-like-a-girl-so-she-must-be-a-girl, ran inside and glomped Yusei. Inspiring numerous Rally/Luna fics... Wait. What?

_"The wheels on the Duel Runner go... BAYBEH~ BEYBEH~ BEYBEH~"_ it sang in an unbearably high voice. "I mean, did you crash?"

"No. My advance motor chip exploded." he muttered shoving off the shemale and then started trying to fix his D-Wheel.

"Oh. So you crashed?" Jesstin said in it's regular shemale tone.

"No, I didn't crash! My high-tech motor chip doohickey exploded!" Yusei roared tossing a wrench that hit Ratchet Nickels in the head.

"Hey! What a kowinky-dink! I have a motor thing that I totally did not steal from a factory and got a yellow tattoo on my face that somehow reveals our location that will lead the Sector Securities to our hideout because of it." Jesstin said running towards Yusei with the object in hand.

"Thanks I'll use it." Yusei said quickly and snatched it from Jesstin Beaver's hand and put it in his Duel Runner with incredible ease.

"So ya stole it Jesstin? You evil shemale!" Tuff McBuffins jabbed a pudgy finger at Jesstin.

"Oh well, you caught me. And actually I'm not a shemale, I'm a-"

"Good that you didn't steal it Jesstin!" Jamey Simmons patted Jesstin on the back as the rest of the Bum Chum Crew agreed.

_'It's at times like these when I actually miss Jack...'_ Yusei thought as he finished fixing his D-Wheel then looked back at his crew, who were all standing behind him with stupid looks on their faces_. 'Yup. Definitely miss Jack.' _

Suddenly sirens and lights flashed over head through the giant crack over the subway tunnel, followed by a random Sector Security grunt's voice.

_"This is the Sector Security Police Force That's Not Really a Police Force, Just a Bunch of Security Guards who Banned Together Force. We have evidence that a shemale in a stupid orange beanie stole a high-priced motor chip dodad from a factory that we conveniently monitored JUST to find someone stupid enough to steal one from, and we caught you here since he has a yellow tattoo thingy that we somehow managed to put on his face. Come on out or we'll force you to play a card game that might or might not be on a motorcycle! We're just gonna duel you, really, we aren't gonna arrest you. We're THAT kind of security force."_

"I'm a g-"

"Its at times like these when my drinking problems act up..." Ratchet Nickels said going to drink a bottle of water with a _"Beer"_ label taped across it before for missing his mouth and spilling it on his shirt. "DANG IT!"

_The Shemale That is Jesstin_ - END

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><p><strong>Alright, what did you guys think? R&amp;R, I'd really appreciate it! <strong>

**Applejack: Yeah, you do NOT want to see this guy grovel.**

**Yes they do. ACK! Now you've got me doing it!**

**Applejack: *Awesome face* My work here is done... Fer now.**


	3. Yusei Fought the LAH

**Hello again! Here's episode 3, which features Yusei's first epic duel!**

**Applejack: Uh, two things partner. 1: He doesn't actually duel in this episode. 2: It's hardly an epic duel, I mean, the main character dueling a security officer that he obviously outclasses by centuries barely even counts as a duel. **

**Applejack! Spoilers!**

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at Yusei's Super Secret Subway Clubhouse...<p>

"We'd better make like a banana and _split_!" Tuff McBuffins dramatically ordered in his goofy voice, with an overly dramatic camera zoom effect.

"Hey! You said you didn't steal it!" Jamey Simmons yelled as he grabbed Jestin Beaver by the shoulders, feeling immensely betrayed. "Just wait 'til my **hitman** get's his **hitman **hands on you!"

"Wait guys! Maybe if we're all really quiet they'll go away?" Tuff McBuffins said as he stood still against the tent, trying to act like a ninja. A _chubby_ ninja.

Yusei stared at the group of idiots in disbelief, thinking they weren't **THAT** stupid. He opened his mouth to say something-

_"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhush!" _Jesstin Beaver, Tuff McBuffins, Jamey Simmons and Ratchet Nickels all shushed him and stood in awkward ninja-like poses around the small tent.

Yusei and the rest said nothing. After five and a half grueling hours, the lights and sirens slowly died down and disappeared. Slowly the Bum Chums moved around silently, checking if the Sector Security force had actually left the area above the subway.

"Did it actually work?" Yusei asked quietly, still thinking it was a stupid plan.

"Hold on, lemme see..." Tuff said as he walked out on to the subway tracks and looked through the giant crack above. "**HEY, YOU GUYS STILL THERE TO CAPTURE USSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS?**"

Suddenly the lights and sirens returned from the Sector Security force, visible from the giant crack in the subway ceiling.

_"Oh, we thought you weren't there, sorry... We'll be capturing you all now."_

"M'kay, just checking!" Tuff yelled back up then walked back to the rest of the Bum Chums inside the tent. "They're still there."

_"Yet another day saved by Tuff McBuffins!"_ MC DJ stated from nowhere.

As if on cue, Tuff waved at the non-existent audience with a dopey grin.

**YU-GI-OH! 5D'S REDUX - EPISODE 3  
>YUSEI FOUGHT THE LAH...<strong>

Yusei sighed deeply with frustration, muttering non-audible mumbles and curses before flipping open his super-advance **CARDBOARD** computer, which was powered by a running hamster inside it.

"I'll buy you guys some time to get out of here, go out the West exit," Yusei sighed as he pushed random buttons. "and before you ask, NO, I am not literally buying you guys time."

"Aw..." Jesstin Beaver whimpered in its signature cute-yet-weird way.

_"Now fabulously jamming the Security signals, totally kawaii~!"_ a very effeminate electronic voice spoke from Yusei's cardboard computer.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, above the Secret Subway Tunnel hideout...<p>

Contrary to what it looked like, only three Sector Security vehicles surrounded the underground subway from above; a helicopter, a Duel Runner, and a police car. All providing pointless coverage of Yusei's now not-so-secret Bum Chum hideout by continuously driving in circles. Suddenly, the helicopter pilot screamed with rage!

"Urrrrrrrrrrrrgh! We are being compromised! This is worse than my automart store shop closing due to my crappy motor skillets!" Bob the pilot yelled! "There's nothing about hacking in the manual! Why didn't I go to computer hacking school! Aghhhh!"

Bob the pilot operating the flimsy dark blue helicopter crashed into a building that exploded!

"Bob! Just press _un-_compromised button!" Guy the patrol officer spoke to the pilot through the radio.

Bob the pilot emerged from the flaming rubble with the helicopter's dashboard in his hands in a overly-dramatic way, followed by a needless explosion in the background.

"Eeeearghhhhh! Now pressing the un-compromised buttooooon!" Bob the pilot yelled as he pressed the button, which triggered another building to explode along with some random poor people.

_'Why do we have to push so many buttons? Gee, I hope the writer doesn't start trying to make it a fad or something, 'cause THAT'D be stupid.'_ a random Security officer thought and I agreed... wait, what?

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in the Secret Subway Tunnel Hideout...<p>

"We'd better make like eggs and _scramble_!" Tuff shouted. "Or like trees and _leaf_! Or-"

Yusei ignored him and packed up his cardboard computer into a tiny origami crane and then got on his D-Wheel.

"Listen guys, you go left I go right. Simple as that."

"Where are you going?" Ratchet asked unwittingly giving Yusei's helmet to him, not knowing he'll never see him again... Probably.

"I'm, uh, going to... uh... distract... them... Later!" Yusei raced down the subway at top speed, leaving his 'friends' behind at the hideout. _'New Domino City, here I come!'_

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at the streets of (Dump) Satellite City... Yusei flew up the stairs of one of the subway entrances on his Duel Runner hitting the poor man, who was hobbling out on the street, again.<p>

"Finally, those idiots will be gone for good." he muttered as he raced down the abandoned streets, completely unaware he just hit someone.

A gruff-looking Security D-Wheel rider spotted Yusei and spoke to his wrist as if some advance communication device was attached to it.

"This is Officer Tuffles, looks like I just found a guy who finally has a date now... With the LAWH!"

"Cool it will the cheesy police talk Tuffles. And stop talking to wrist, you have a headset!" Guy the patrol officer yelled at him over the radio.

Officer Tuffles revved up his Duel Runner with a sneer.

"The stores also have a sale here on lingerie... and JUSTICE!"

"Just shut up and catch that guy on the red motorcycle!"

Tuffles started chasing Yusei with his lights and sirens, which were blaring the 'Ice Cream Man' song.

"This is Officer Tuffles Tetsu, I found a CRIMINAL and am now in hot pursuit in the NAME OF JUSTICE!"

Soon a swarm of Sector Security vehicles followed behind Tuffles! And by swarm, I mean one other car.

_"You on the motorcycle! Stop! You have no chance of escape!"_

"Ha! Time to make an es-cape!" Yusei grinned.

He swerved around on the road pointlessly in an attempt to throw off the officers, then casually turned onto another street.

"OH NO! He escaped!" Tuffles yelled with great surprise!

Officer Tuffles spotted Yusei's bright red D-Wheel a second later behind a streetlight, apparently hiding.

"Oooh wait, there he is!" Tuffles said after he spotted him, then stopped right behind Yusei.

"Hey, I'll give you a break! If you beat me in a card game, I'll stop chasing you and drop the charges against your transvestite friend too!"

"I'M A G-!"

"Sir!"

Bob the use-to-be pilot interrupted as he jumped dramatically out of a car that had stopped behind them, and rolled to a stop between Yusei and Officer Tuffles.

"Section 2834, Paragraph 109, Line 1 clearly states that we can't-"

"Eeew! I'm not going to do that with him!"

"Oops. I meant Line 2." Bob corrected.

"Oh... Well, let ME clearly state that if YOU don't allow ME to play a card game, I will promote YOU!"

"S-Seriously?"

"NO! You're demoted! And Guy too! Now get outta here before I demote you both again! YARG!"

Bob the now demoted, use-to-be pilot ran back to the car, and Guy the now demoted patrol officer drove off into the sunset, with tears streaming from their eyes in a manly way. Maybe some day they'll have their chance to be promoted by dueling in the back of a van against two guys on Duel Runners and beating them... Ha! Like that will ever happen!

"Now, let's duel CRIMINAL! In the name of the LAH!" Officer Tuffles yelled!

"I don't want to." Yusei backed up into Tuffles' D-Wheel, giving it a very noticeable dent, then started racing down the narrow back-alleyways of the slums of Satellite. "And you have stupid catch phrases!"

**"PLAY A CARD GAME WITH ME, CRIMINAL!"** the officer quickly inserted a coin and pressed a giant red button on his Duel Runner with rage!

_"It's totally time to Turbo Duel! Switching to autopilot~! Super kawaii desu~!"_ the effeminate electronic voice spoke with glee as the area around them turned purple.

[Yusei LP: 4000]  
>[Officer Tuffles LP: 4000]<p>

"For you criminals who don't know what's going on, please do not panic, you are not on drugs, I hope." Tuffles started speaking in a familiar monotone voice.

"You mean I'm NOT?" the poor man, who got ran over by Yusei twice, gasped.

"This is what happens when the duelist activate Speed World! The only spell cards the duelist can use are Speed Spell cards-"

"WE ALREADY KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE FREAKIN' GAME!"

"Well! It is just a precaution. The LAH can never be too careful... But criminals can!"

"Frig." Yusei muttered as his Duel Runner switched to Turbo Duel Mode. "And honestly, what FRUITCAKE designed these voice systems?"

Yusei inserted his own coin into a slot then pressed the 'Mute' button.

_"Nooooooo~! Totally not kawaii~!" _

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, somewhere far, far away...<p>

Lazar shivered while applying makeup in his personal quarters of his obscenely large and elegant mansion deep in New Domino City.

"HEE HEE HEE~ I sense a disturbance... " he said and looked side to side suspiciously as he finished putting his lipstick on. "... as if one of my voice programs cried out, then was suddenly silenced... HEE HEE HEE~..."

_Yusei Fought the LAH... - END_

* * *

><p><strong>Applejack: Hope ya'll enjoyed it! <strong>

**Yes, I'll try to have a new episode up every month!**

**Applejack: Please Read n'Review. He still has a lot to learn.**


	4. And the LAWL Lost

**Hey guys, sorry I haven't posted in a while...**

**Applejack: Yeah, in a GOOD while.**

**Between my laptop crash, writing a new fic, and the other miscellaneous-**

**Applejack: *Cough* Excuses *Cough***

**Just read on okay?**

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, back at the streets of Satellite...<p>

"Its been awhile, eh?" Officer Tuffles asked the spiky-haired protagonist while riding his D-Wheelpolicecycle.

"What are you talking about? We're still in the middle of our ridiculous and pointless duel that only happens to show off my epic dueling skillets." Yusei responded.

"Oh... I dunno, it feels like we_ paused_ for like _two months_ or something..."

"Quit breaking the fourth wall and duel already!"

**Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's: REDUX - Episode 4  
><strong>**... And the LAWL Lost?**

"Prepare to feel the wrath of THE LAH, Yusei!" Officer Tuffles raegd drawing a card from his deck.

"Wait, how do you know my name?" Yusei asked surprised with a surprising reaction shot that was very surprising!

"JUSTICE KNOWS EVERYONE'S NAMES." Tuffles answered wide-eyed in a creepy, yet authoritative, voice.

Yusei shuttered.

"I summon my **Assault Dog** (ATK 1200)!" Tuffles said in his normal gruffy voice.

A cute puppy armed with rockets and machine guns on his back yipped as it ran besides the officer's motorcycle. It soon started getting red eyes and foaming at the mouth at the sight of Yusei since he was a criminal. A DARN HANDSOME criminal.

"He doesn't like criminals! Gyah ha ha ha! Next I'll throw down a face-down, in the name of the LAH! And I'll end my turn there!" the CRAZY officer finished.

"Well, let's see how your rabid dog stands up against my **Speed-o Warrior** (ATK 900)!" Yusei said coolly as one of his signature monsters appeared.

A man wearing a gray helmet with a black thong and inline skates moon-walked beside Yusei's motorcycle, then struck a cool dancing pose.

"And because **Speed-o Warrior's** totally awesome, he doubles his attack on this turn (ATK 1800)!"

**Speed-o Warrior** started dancing some more awesome dance moves to power up and shouted "Uph!" with intense strength!

"Now **Speed-o Warrior**, attack with Concussion Kick of Death!" Yusei commanded his monster with his coolness.

**Speed-o Warrior** grunted then flew towards Tuffles' monster and kicked it with extreme force, snapping the dog's neck in two.

"Animal abuse!" some random, yet poor, activist yelled out, before being hit by the flying puppy that instantly recovered and viciously attacked him on impact. "GYAAAH! MY LIVER!"

"Awesome job **Speed-o Warrior**!" Yusei gave his cool monster an equally cool thumbs up.

[Officer Tuffles: 3400]

"Stop saying **Speed-o Warrior**! Its so inappropriate!" Tuffles barked out, annoyed at Yusei's disturbing speed-o wearing monster. "Grr... But you'd have to be one _Smooth Criminal_ to escape the Law!"

"..."

"What? No music?"

Then suddenly another **Assault Dog** appeared next to Tuffles, with all the same symptoms as the first.

"Ha! Because you destroyed one of my puppies, I get to summon another one straight from the police department, I mean my deck! So try to defeat my other **Assault Dog** (ATK 1200)!"

"Fine. I'll set a card face down and end my turn." Yusei said as he placed a card into his Duel Runner.

"GOOD!" Tuffles said over dramatically.

"Now since your **Speed-o Warrior's** attack is back to 900, I'll _release_ my dog to _advance summon _**HANDCUFF DRA-GUN** (ATK: 1800)!"

"Dah. What?" a stupid looking poor person inquired.

"Oh, I'm using new and hip terms that all the kids use today (*cough***_ ZEXAL_ ***cough*)! _Release_ equals _Tribute_, and _Advance Summon_ equals _Tribute Summon_!"

"That's stupid."

"YOU'RE STUPID."

Appearing above the officer's motorcycle was a freaky looking dragon that barely resembled a pair of hand cuffs. Honestly, you'd expect a policeman to be more original.

"Great. I'm dueling some freak with a police-fetish." Yusei sighed, even though he apparently duel the officer before somehow.

"Show this criminal da power of the LAH, **Handcuff Dra-Gun**, attack!"

The dra-gun moved to attack **Speed-o Warrior**, then Yusei revealed his thrown down face-down.

"Activate my Trap card, **Scrap-Iron Scarecrow**! It nullifies your attack, and allows me to set it again!" Yusei smirked.

"Great. I'm dueling some criminal with a junk-fetish. But I activate MY face-down, **WIRETAP**! Which destroys your junky scarecrow!"

The **Handcuff Dra-Gun** moved it's handcuff like jaws and crushed the life out of **Speed-o Warrior**, causing him to explode into a crappy 3D effect.

[Yusei: 3100]

"Ouchie." Yusei said melodramatically.

"Grah ha ha ha! Justice always beats poor people and their trashy cards too! Because that's what the law is all about: Opression." Tuffles said with a sneer.

Yusei looked down, which was sort of a dangerous thing to do while dueling on motorcylcles, with what appeared to be with rage, he started to mutter...

"...You can call me a criminal, talk bad about my friends, make fun of the people of Satellite, even arrest people while wearing a skirt-"

"THAT WAS A ONE TIME THING!"

"-but you can never make fun of MY TRADING CARDS!" Yusei roared and ripped a card from his deck with fury!

Tuffles gasped and awaited Yusei's move that seemed like it will be DEVESTATING.

"ALRIGHT YOU FRIGGIN' PIECE OF FRIG. I SUMMON, **SONIC CHICK** IN DEFENSE MODE (DEF: 300)!"

A fragile and harmless pink bird that squawked annoyingly appeared in front of his motorcycle.

"OH MAI GAH! NAWT SONIC CHI-... Wait. What the Apollo Justice? **Sonic Chick**? Gyaha ha! What a PATHETIC card!" Officer Tuffles laughed.

"THAT'S NOT FRICKIN' ALL! I-" Yusei kept up his powerful rant.

The officer gasped and awaited his next move that seemed like it will be POWERFUL.

"Throw down two face-downs, and end my turn." Yusei said normally and inserted two of his trading cards into his Duel Runner.

"O-Okay?" Tuffles said as he drew a card from his crammed slot full o' cards, then smiled, "ONE, TWO, THREE~!" the officer said as he shoved cards into his D-Wheel's Graveyard in the order he counted.

"That was fruity." Yusei said.

"CRIMINALS ARE _FRUITY_." Officer Tuffles countered, then continued his turn. "Now, by sending those three monsters to jail, I mean, to my Graveyard, I can Special Summon **ANIME MONTAGE DRAGON** (ATK: 3000) a'from mai hand!"

A purple dragon with three heads held up a video screen that played some cliche, half-baked montage _(about Naruto)_ as it was summoned. On the dragon's video screen, Naruto jumped around throwing jutsu's and Sharingan's all while poor lip singing a ridiculous _System of the Down_ song.

"That's the stupidest montage I've ever seen." Yusei said as it played. "Since when would a ninja wear bright orange?"

"YOU'RE THE STUPIDEST _CRIMINAL_ I'VE EVER SEEN! **Handcuff Dra-Gun** attack that pathetic bird!"

As Tuffle's dra-gun squeezed the life out of the chick with it's ENORMUS handcuff-like jaws, Yusei looked at the officer blandly.

"Repeating what I say is getting pretty old."

"YEAH. It _IS_." Officer Tuffles sneared, apparently driving it as an insult. "**Anime Montage Dragon** direct attack with _EXTREME MONTAGE_!"

The three headed montag-ous dragon showed another video screen that played another ANNOYING and POINTLESS montage... about CrowxAki and some boy band song. Like THAT pairing makes complete sense.

[Yusei: Screwed, 100 Life Points]

_'Those montages are getting really stupid, besides Crow and Aki-za have as much going for each other as me and Jack... That's little, right? BUT, all I have to do is believe in my deck... or some crap like that...'_ Yusei closed his eyes in deep thought. Again, a very dangerous thing to do while dueling a police officer on motorcycles.

"Hey! Hurry it up! I have some CRIMINAL ass-kicking for you!"

Yusei grabbed the top card of his deck and swiped it off with extreme precision and coolness, his arm extended outwards. Suddenly, the two duelist flew into a tunnel that was narrow enough to snap Yusei's extended arm backwards.

**"OH MY FRICKIN'-!"**

-INTERMISSION-INTERMISSION-INTERMISSION-INTERMISSION-INTERMISSION-INTERMISSION-INTERMISSION-

_(Go eat some nachos or something)_

_-INTERMISSION-INTERMISSION-INTERMISSION-INTERMISSION-INTERMISSION-INTERMISSION-INTERMISSION-_

"Remember kids, never stick your arm out of your motorcycle while dueling, it's cool, but not worth your arm. This message was brought to you by the letter 'C', WHICH STANDS FOR CRIMINALS!" Tuffles exclaimed while holding the letter C.

"This educational message was brought to you by the '_Association of Sector Security for Heading Educational Authorities of Dueling Sector_'." MC DJ announced from nowhere.

"Heh. It has a funny acronym." a random poor person snickered to himself.

"I summon **Junk Synchron** (ATK: 1300)! And then I activate my face down, **Graceful Revival** to bring back my flippin' skippy dippin' **Speed-o Warrior**!" Yusei said now wearing a cast on his right arm, which made it very awkward to handle his Duel Runner and hold cards at the same time.

The train conductor-looking machine, along with thong-wearing dancer appeared back in front of Yusei's D-Wheel with a fierce grunt.

"Grrr... I should have expected nothing less from a cr-"

"And now I'll Synchro Summon using **Junk Synchron** and **Speed-o Warrior**!"

**Junk Synchron** exploded and turned into three green rings, then **Speed-o Warrior** hopped into them and A BRIGHT LIGHT CONSUMED THEM! The light spit out a new purple monster on the field that wore a black thong and had a huge right arm.

"Get read for a mouthful of my junk!" Yusei exclaimed revving up his D-Wheel.

"Wh-What?"

"By that I mean... **Junk-o Warrior** (ATK:2300)!"

"WHOA! Synchro Summoning is REALLY cool, kids should definitely buy _Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's_ cards!" Office Tuffles said enthusiastically holding up some booster packs.

"So go get a job, then spend your hard-earned cash on trading cards!" Yusei chimmed in with a flirtatious wink.

"Anyway! Your monster's attack is too weak to stop my **Anime MONTAGE Dragon**!" Tuffles continued.

"I activate **Revision Day** to bring back my **Speed-o Wa**-"

"HOW MANY DECKING TIMES DO WE HAVE TO SEE THAT GUY?"

"And because he's on the field and totally awesome, **Junk-o Warrior's** attack increases (ATK:3200)! Now attack with _MAGNAM PAWNCH_!"

**Junk-o Warrior** flew towards **Handcuff Dra-Gun** and flick it's head which caused the dra-gun to explode into tiny 3D dra-gon shards.

"YOU PIECE OF DECK!" Tuffles cursed at Yusei in fowl duel terms!

"Now how do you like my junk?"

"... by the way my **Handcuff Dra-Gun** has the special effect that when it's destroyed it halves the attack of the monster that destroyed it." Officer Tuffles said.

The ghost of Tuffle's dra-gun floated behind **Junk-o Warrior** and held him tightly with it's handcuff-like face and butt.

"That's pretty disturbing. _BUT_ I'm not losing now!" Yusei yelled out as he threw a card on the field.

"You're not what?" Tuffles asked.

"I'm not losing now!" Yusei said as he repeated the same motion again.

"You're not what?" Tuffles asked.

"I'M NOT LOSING NOW!" he yelled out then a Trap Card appeared! "**Equip Shot**! This card let's me throw your inappropriate dra-gun to your **Montage Dragon** (ATK: 1200)!"

"Pfft. Oh. What a convenient Trap card you had on the Field." Officer Tuffles muttered. "With an effect that ONLY WORKS when this effect like mine was activated. Yeah, okay."

"It's what I do. **JUNK-O WARRIOR**, SLAY THE DRAGON!"

Yusei's purple monster punched the disturbing display of **Handcuff Dra-Gun** curling around **Montage Dragon** with **X**-treme power that so **X**-treme, like ZE**X**AL! The resulting spectacular explosion _Rock_ed _the Night _and the desolate area around them!

_"MY FIGHT MONEY!"_ Tuffles cried out with an echo effect with increased dismay before his D-Wheel started to shut down as a result of losing.

[Yusei: 100]  
>[Officer Tuffles: 0]<p>

"GRAH! I can't believe I lost to a CRIMINAL. A SMELLY criminal." Tuffles muttered as his Duel Runner slowed to a stop.

"I can't believe I had only 100 life points left, you'd think since I'm the main character I could wipe the floor with small fry like you."

Yusei rode his red D-Wheel in front of the dismal officer on the broken highway, now empty from wandering poor people because it was WAY past poor peoples' bedtime.

"You said before the duel you wanted to teach me a lesson-" Yusei said cooly with his helmet visor gleaming off the moonlight.

"No I didn't."

"Let me leave you with this; always wear protection." Yusei said cooly then drove off.

A Security vehicle pulled up slowly to the defeated officer's Duel Runner. Bob jumped out and did the same shenanigan as before by rolling to a stop in front of Tuffle's D-Wheel.

"... What do you want?" Officer Tuffles muttered.

"I just thought I'd break the tension sir!" Bob, the demoted, downed helicopter pilot said, then pulled out a stick with the word 'tension' on it and broke it in two.

"There." he said confidently.

"You're demoted."

_... And the LAWL Lost? - END_


	5. Episode 5D's Special!

**Hello again everyone! Here's Episode 5... D's!**

**Applejack: Y'know, yer jokes are getting dumber by the episodes.**

**Hey! At least I come up with jokes! Not like a certain SOMEONE who just stands around just waiting to call me an idiot at every opportunity they get!**

**Applejack: ... Well, you make it too easy. Anyway, enjoy the special 5th episode of You-Gee-Oh 5D's: Redux! **

**Its _Yu-Gi_-Oh.**

**Applejack: Do you want me to kick you?**

**N-No ma'am!**

* * *

><p>Meanwhile in the depths of the ruined Satellite that has nothing to do with the previous episode...<p>

The sky was gray and gloomy on a suspicious Friday morning, as it almost always was for the ruined city, leaving the same impression on the very few people wandering about the desolate streets.

"Guh. I'm so gloomy... and surprisingly gray." a random poor person said in a nasally voice looking at the gray skin on his arms. "I need to cut back on the Twilight."

The person was standing in front of an old abandoned building near the center of the Satellite for no particular reason, and for that reason he was instantly hit by a shiny black and veeeeeeeeeery long limo that pulled up in front of the same old abandoned building. The important person in the limo was none other than good 'ol Director Vil Lenny McGoodpersons of Sectorian Securitee, and he was there for a purpose.

"Mark that eleven vampires in a row driver, let's look to beat those fools' high score from Vampire Hunter D." Director McGoodpersons smirked, then noticed something on the building next to the limo.

The rundown building had a large and recently added sign on it;

_The Old Abandoned Building of Which There is No Secret Meeting of Gangs to Plot Against the Sector Security Officers. Pay No Attention to This Sign._

"Hmmm, what a peculiar building... Driver, keep going, this simply CANNOT be the secret hideout we are looking for." Director McGoodpersons ordered with a dismissive wave of his gloved hand.

"Uh, but sir, it's clearly the place." the driver stated the obvious.

"Are you questioning my heroism? If the sign says it's not the place, then it's not the place. Signs are always trustworthy, as am I."

"But sir, remember the time you saw that 'Turn Right for Ice Cream' sign from last month?" the driver remind Director McGoodpersons of the horrid memory.

"Yes, those hooligans tried to mug us and set the limo on fire, but there's no chance of THAT happening again."

**Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's: REDUX - Episode 5D's  
><strong>**The Super Spectacular Grand Special Episode Show Show!**

And so, the reeeeeeeeeeeeally long limo turned onto another street, plowing through buildings and other garbage in its way. Only moments later, a giant white donut stopped in front of the same ambiguous building, and a man got off the donut, the one, the only; JACK ATLAS.

"Yusei~!" Jack called out in a sing-song voice with his hands on his hips.

"Jack." Yusei appeared and then jumped from the top of the building, landing perfectly and cool at the same time. Then he slipped and fell on his face. "Ow, didn't see that coming!"

"I hate you for reasons I will now explain!" Jack jabbed a finger at him ready to explain himself. "I hate you ever since you-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, and you stole my Duel Runner because of it. By the way can I have it back now?" Yusei asked.

"No!" Jack refused crossing his arms.

"How about my Stardust Dragon card?"

"No!"

"My 3DS?"

"No! _Sonic All-Stars Racing Transformed _sucks and a shameless copy of_ Mario Kart 7_!"

"You wanna duel?"

"No! I mean, yes. That's what I came here for."

"Alright, but can I have my **Stardust Dragon** back to duel? Y'know, so you don't overpower me."

"Okay." Jack stupidly tossed one of the MOST broken cards in the card game to Yusei.

_"LET'S DIPPITY DUEL!"_

[Yusei LP: 99999]  
>[Jack LP: 99999]<p>

And with that, some battle music started to play from nowhere.

"I Synchro Summon Stardusty Dragon ASSAULT MODE (ATK: 5000)!" Yusei said as he summoned his most powerful monster.

The shining white robotic dragon with razor sharp teeth let loose a powerful roar as he was summoned next to Yusei.

_**"ASSAULT MODE: ACTIVATED."**_ the dragon electronically announced.

"Hey! You can't do that!" Jack protested.

"We're using rules from Episode 1." Yusei covered.

"Okay." Jack agreed.

"But only DA KING can use those rules! I Synchro Summon da Red Dragon Archie ASSAULT MODE (ATK: 5001)!"

_**"STOP CALLING ME ARCHIE DAMMIT."**_ Archie roared.

"How can you Synchro Summon on my turn?"

"Because... I AM DA KING!" Jack responded with his copyrighted catchphrase.

"Whatever. Attack!" Yusei ordered his robotronic Stardusty Dragon!

The two incredibly powerful dragons circled each other, sizing the other one up, then flew towards each other with a blood-curdling roar! A shockwave blasted through the area near them causing Jack and Yusei to fall backwards, along with anyone else stupid enough to stand to close.

"Huh, huh, huh. Purrty colors." a spectator said trying to poke the glowing aura, just as he was instantly vaporized by the shockwave.

_**"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRCHIE!"** _Stardust roared!

_**"STARDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUST!"**_ Archie bellowed!

_"JESSTIN BEAVEEEEEEEEEER!"_ Jesstin growled!

**_"Patty-cake-patty-cake-baker's-"_** The dragons began their destined battle-to-the-death by clapping their hands!

_**"BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-TCH!"** _Archie blasted a giant hole through Stardusty Dragon!

"Archie cheated!" Yusei yelled with extreme FURY! "I'll avenge you Stardust! GO SONIC CHICK!"

"OH MAI GAH! NOT SONIC CHICK!" Jack squirmed with fear!

"ACTIVATE COODIE CATCHER." Yusei said to his pretty pink bird, which in turn, blasted a HUGE quantautomus D.U.C.K.E.R. II lazar beam at DA KING!

"FUGEDDABOUTDIT!" Jack cried as he was blown away by the tremendous blast. 'Cause holograms are just THAT adv- oh wait, already used that joke... um... SO JACK FELL OVER!

[Yusei LP: 99998]  
>[Jack LP: 0]<p>

"This is the most ridiculous duel evah!" Jamey Simmons shouted adjusting his glasses.

He and the rest of the Bum Chum Crew protruded, walking from the bathroom from which they began hi-fiving one another as a result of their successful venture.

"Yeah! Jack was supposed to win! Because he's DA KING!" Jesstin Beaver agreed pumping his fist.

"Dude. This duel was jank." MC DJ threw some gangster hand signs at them, which no one could tell if they were offensive or not.

"Dude. Criminals are jank! So stay and school and don't get high on dishwasher cleaner!" Officer Tuffles Tringaling walked in throwing out some stupid hand signs then was beaten by a random group of gangster poor people.

"I do hope you are not implying that I am a villain Officer Tuffles." Director McGoodpersons said appearing from his massive limo that plowed through the building next door. "I told you this was the place driver."

Mina also walked out of the limo. Which was kinda weird since she wasn't really acknowledged that she was there before, but that's how anime works folks!

"Sir, your-" she soon spotted the charred Jack Atlas in a heap of rubble, then did what any fan girl would do when spotting their favorite character. GLOMP. _"JACK-CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN~"_

_"Hi." _Luna and Leo said as they both strolled in with perfect synch with each other.

"I'm just here for the cake!" the mysterious man said walking in too. "I hope it's not a lieeeeeeee."

"Hey, didja ever wonder why Jamey Simmons has blue hair and glasses..?" Ratchet Nickels asked nobody in particular.

"Because I CAN dig it yo!" Jamey answered.

"I reckon' it's 'cause he's one them homo... sapiens." Huntin' said riding into the gathering of characters on his D-HORSE. "Or, he's jeest in the mob."

_'Dammit, they're onto me.'_ Jamey cursed.

**"WHERE'D ALL YOU PEOPLE COME FROM?"** Yusei asked the crowd of people now hanging out side of his first secret hideout.

"HI. ME LIKE CARD GAME. ME NAME TIMMY BOMBER." a large, towering man with long black hair and an armored chest plate with torn-up cargo pants stepped on Jesstin Beaver as he walked towards Yusei.

"Ha ha ha! What a facetious name, it completely is the opposite of your character's demeanor!" scoffed a school boy wearing glasses, who's name was Dexter.

"HOW ABOUT ME SHOVE MOTORCYCLE UP YOUR NOSE AND SEE HOW FACETIOUS IT DEMEANOR IS." Timmy said to the boy, lifting a D-Wheel he pulled out from nowhere in his left hand.

Dexter did the smart thing, as he would being very smart, and shut up. Yusei was getting VERY annoyed with all these people around, just before he lost it and went on a HUGE troll-rant he saw a girl with dark red hair who seemed to be in her late teens.

"WAOH." he gaped staring at her.

She flipped her hair and walked slowly to an ambiguous bar placed in the middle of the broken road and ordered a drink. She turned slowly, but dramatically, Yusei's way.

"I'm Aki-za. But you can call me Aki." she said, in the softest, sultriest, voice ever known to (anime) man, to him.

"I'm Yusei. You've got a nice rack." Yusei replied in a cool way.

_**"YUSEI-!"**_ everybody yelled at him.

"What? She's got a nice rack. Of hats." he pointed to the hat rack Aki-za had with her.

"Oh. That IS a nice rack." Jack Atlas agreed with Mina still hug/glomping him by the waist.

_"I like her breasts too." _Yusei silently muttered to himself with a smirk.

"Sorry, but those are _Arcadia -Sigh- Chick Movement_ property." a handsome man with dark brown swoopy hair and a snazzy dark suit with hot girls on each arm said.

"And who might you be?" Yusei asked the man squinting his eyes.

"I'm Divine-Sayer, CEO and leader of the -Sigh- Chick Organization." Divine-Sayer said.

_'Dang, he has TWO first names and they both are cool...'_ Yusei cursed mentally.

"Yeah, I have two first names and they both are cool." Divine-Sayer smirked.

"Well Yusei means chick magnet in Japanese." Tuff McBuffins interrupted.

"..."

Suddenly the sky grew darker than usual, and menacing clouds swarmed all around. A mist appeared throughout the streets, and thunder rumbled in the distance. Everyone was about to panic, due to mob mentality, but then all eyes gazed at a small figure in one of the deepest, darkest, evilest alleyways in the Satellite.

"HEE HEE HEE~" a loud, familiar, obnoxious laugh echoed through the streets.

What happened next came all at once!

"OH MAI GAH-!"

"OH NOES-!"

"WHAT THE DECK-?"

"IT CAN'T BEH-!"

"IMPOSSIBLE-!"

"WHAT IN TARNATION-?"

"I'M NOT A VILLAIN!"

"TEH CLOWN MAN." Jack Atlas finally finished everyone's statements, with a scared look about him.

"..."

"... No." Yusei said bluntly. "LAZAR."

The small clown-like man strode slowly towards the group, holding a plastic knife in his hands with a sinister sneer.

"Why so... hee hee hee~?"

"I DON'T KNOW!" Tuff McBuffins blubbered out, sinking into fetal position sucking his thumb. "I don't knooooow..."

Lazar shifted his evil glaze towards Yusei.

"You know, the both of us are... alike..." Lazar smiled, taking a step closer towards him.

"No were not." Yusei retorted.

"We both hide ourselves behind... masks..."

"No we don't."

"We both are afraid of our... powers..."

"No we're not."

"We both like... men..."

"No we... WHAT THE FRIG?"

"Which is why I won't ever kill you. You're too much fun. HEE HEE HEE~"

"Uh..."

"HEE HEE HEEEEEEEEE~!" Lazar laughed once more before disappearing with the flash of perfectly timed lightening.

"What a STUPID laugh!" Leo snickered. And before you could say 'Yusei's Bum Chum Crew' twice, Lazar appeared from behind him, clasped his hand over his mouth and dragged the poor kid who never knew what he did wrong into a dark alley.

"IT'S TIME TO DUEL. HEE HEE HEE HEE~" Lazar said before disappearing in the shadows.

"THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" and that was the last anybody heard from Leo again. For this episode.

Everyone stood around speechless, until Officer Tuffles broke the silence.

"Welp. I guess there's only one twin left."

"Yup. Cryin' shame I reckon', I always liked that little girl." Huntin' agreed.

"Hey! I'm the girl, Luna! The freaky clown guy took my brother, Leo!" Luna tried to correct them, but was ignored.

"Don' worry none, we'll get yer sister back soon!" Huntin' assured Luna. "Looks like the writer has ran out of ideas to use here, so he'll abruptly end the-

_The Super Spectacular Grand Special Episode Show Show! - END_


End file.
